We were together 11 years already when we finally decided to tie the knot. We bought a house, established ourselves in our careers and just enjoyed life. We wanted to do as many things as possible before we started our family. But as the years went by, the yearning to have a baby just grew stronger. So, in January 2012, I went off the pill.
We didn’t expect to fall pregnant immediately. All the books and articles we read warned us that after being on contraception for years, falling pregnant could be delayed, but we were at peace with that.
We always said it will happen in God’s time. Then, in June 2012, I had a missed period. I was preparing for my last exams, so I naturally thought that the delay was due to stress. But a week passed so I did a pregnancy test and it was positive. I remember showing my husband the test in the kitchen. We smiled and laughed and hugged each other so tightly.
Our dreams had finally come true. A week or so later, I experienced severe cramps and heavy bleeding. That night in the bathroom, I just knew that I had passed our baby. We held each other tightly once more, this time there were no smiles and no laughter. We were in shock and disbelief. Never in a million years did we ever think we would lose a child.
We suffered 3 more miscarriages in a space of six years. After each one, just when we thought that our hearts couldn’t break any more, it did. And we found ourselves living under what seemed like a dark cloud, hiding the sun’s warm rays from our lives. Research showed that miscarriages are more common than people think, but most people only go on to having one, here we had four.
We didn’t know how to deal with the pain, the disappointment and the shame, so we buried ourselves in our work. I also developed a shopping addiction. We all have our poison, mine was shopping. Years later it dawned on me that my addiction was an attempt to fill the emptiness inside. But nothing could ever fill that space, except the babies we never got to meet.
And then there was the anger. I was angry with the Doctors, despite their best efforts; why couldn’t they help us? I was angry at God for allowing, not one but four losses and seeming to be so far away when we needed Him the most. I was angry with the people around me that seemed to fall pregnant every time they sneezed. I was angry at my family, who despite trying their best to be supportive and understanding, just didn’t get it. But most of all, I was angry with my body for being broken and being unable to do the one thing a woman is supposed to do; which was to bring a baby into this world.
To add insult to injury, all our miscarriages were unexplained. We had seen two fertility doctors, well-known for the expertise, yet both were completely stumped when all the tests, (and there were dozens upon dozens of them), proved worthless in providing the answers we needed. It was so frustrating because at least if there was a reason, we had a starting point, something to work with. But we had nothing. Every test under the sun came back fine. I started thinking that maybe we were cursed.
Infertility and child loss can make you do strange things and it changes who you are. I started to doubt everything about my life. All the choices we had made, my faith and myself. The six years leading up to our rainbow baby were some of the darkest years I experienced. The journey was an extremely lonely one too. The irony is, that it was also some of the best years of my life.
In 2016, I was facing some big challenges at work. At that time, we had suffered three miscarriages already, but we were determined not to give up despite the circumstances.
I did fall pregnant again, but again, just short of seven weeks, we miscarried and we were back to square one. We were devastated. The combination of my pain and grief and the issues at work left me feeling completely broken. I had nothing left to give. Every day, I would have to drag myself out of bed to go to work. I was expected to carry on as if nothing had happened. Like our lives didn’t just fall apart, but I couldn’t. I knew then that if I stood any chance of making it through this, I needed God to hold my hand and guide the way forward.
And He did, God led me to a wonderful and understanding psychologist, who not only helped me work through my work issues but also my grief and disappointment. God also placed an action in my heart to resign from my job. It was time for me to take care of myself for a change. God assured me that everything was going to be okay. So, I resigned. I didn’t have another job waiting, but I did have faith that God would see us through and that this was the right thing to do. And although I felt like I was forced into the decision at the time, I knew in my heart that it was the best thing for me given everything that had happened.
The plan was to stay home for a year before going back into the work market. We figured that a year would give me the time I needed to concentrate solely on me but it wouldn’t take me out of the industry for too long. The time at home turned out to be the best time of my life.
The first few months, the only thing I did for hours every single day, was cry. The pain was truly indescribable. I have lost loved ones and it hurt like hell, but losing a child, it’s a pain like no other. Your feel like something is squeezing the life out of your heart. It is so unbearable, that you can’t breathe. And your throat hurts so much. I wasn’t just mourning the babies we had lost. I was mourning the failed dreams. I was mourning the life we had planned. I was also mourning a job, that at the time, I thought defined who I was. It felt as if everything we had worked so hard for, all the sacrifices, the tests; everything was all in vain.
The days eventually did get better. After a few months, I started to smile again, even if just for a few minutes. I knew that it was time, to start over, to heal myself. I started cleaning up my diet and exercising every day. We even completed adoption papers, but when the time came to submit them to the agency, we couldn’t. Something inside of me said the fight wasn’t over for us. So, we agreed to try one last time. I made a promise to myself that I was going to do everything in my power to bring a baby into this world. I was a woman on a mission: To heal my body so that I could be fit, strong and healthy enough to sustain a pregnancy and give birth to a healthy baby.
I realised that it was okay to feel happy and sad at the same time. The two are not mutually exclusive. Although I was still grieving, there were good things also happening in our lives. And I had to accept that there needed to be space for both the good and the bad. It’s all part of the human experience.
My journey was truly an amazing one. I started a blog as a creative outlet for my thoughts and feelings. I went on a health detox. I even committed to doing something that scared me every day. My days were also filled with special moments with God. I remember praying outside in the rain in the heart of Winter. I would pray for a healed body and the baby we longed for. I remember telling God that I am holding Him to the promise He placed in my heart that I would have a baby one day. I told Him that just like with Abraham, I was holding onto that promise with all my heart. The Bible says in Mark 11.24 “whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours” and I truly believed that we would have a baby someday.
Then in June 2017, I secured a role at a small asset management firm close to home. I became good friends with our HR lady. Once she heard our story, she told me about Hannah’s prayer. It was a prayer in the Bible that I hadn’t heard of before, but something in my heart told me that this was no coincidence. So, from that day on out, I prayed Hannah’s prayer to God: “Look upon your servant Lord, look upon her distress and if you grant me my desire for a child, I promise that no blade will ever touch his head”. Little did I know that this prayer would be so significant in our lives.
My journey led me to so many amazing people and healers. I rekindled an old friendship with a colleague whose sister was facing similar challenges to us. She was currently seeing someone to help her clean up her diet and get her vitamin and mineral levels up. This led me to a nutritional advisor who helped to heal my body through detox, nutritious food and supplements. At one stage I was taking 22 tablets a day! She, in turn, lead me to a dentist who tested the mercury levels of my amalgam fillings, which were then removed. At the same time, I was doing reflexology, acupuncture, BSR, hypnotherapy, energy healing and rife treatments. I also saw a homoeopath and was led to a new fertility doctor. All of these treatments, some being very alternative healing methods and unheard of by many, raised quite a few eyebrows. But I wasn’t bothered by this at all. I had a goal, and one goal only. I was completely committed to doing everything in my power to bring a baby into this world. And if it wasn’t meant to be, at least we knew that we left no stone unturned in our pursuit.
All these treatments and therapies, although they may seem excessive, I believe I was divinely guided to all of them. My obedient journey, given a very expensive one, lead me to a circle of earth Angels that God handpicked to help us bring our daughter into the world. I cannot pinpoint any one of these healers as the one that eventually led to a healthy baby because all of them played a unique and important role in our journey to Hannah. I was even led to the Medical Medium, Anthony William where I learnt about healing foods that helped rid my body of the Epstein Barr virus that was lodged in my liver and gallbladder. Anthony also guided me to a burning ritual which I still perform today with each full moon. I said daily affirmations about being fit, strong and healthy enough to sustain a healthy pregnancy and give birth to a beautiful healthy baby. I would visualise myself holding a big rounded belly, feeling our baby kick inside of me and even holding her in my arms for the first time. I would imagine what that would feel like and I would smile because it warmed my heart so much.
In 2018, after having an operation to remove scar tissue from my womb with our new fertility Dr, we had intrauterine insemination. We were warned not to get our hopes up high because the procedure rarely worked on the first try. But I had a feeling, I just knew in my heart, that we had conceived our baby that day. A few nights after the procedure, I was woken up by the sound of an owl outside our window. I got up and looked through the window and there it was. This beautiful creature, sitting under the moonlight on a street lamppost speaking to me. I believe this owl was a messenger from God to let me know I was indeed pregnant.
As it turned out, resigning in 2016 was one of the biggest blessings in my life. Without it, I would not have embarked on what I regard as one of the most meaningful and enriching years of my life. I would not have met the people I did, experienced the amazing healing I did and I would not have walked a journey with God that has changed my life forever. God really does use everything in our lives for our highest good, especially the bad. My pain, my resentment and my anger, it all fuelled my commitment to bring Hannah into this world.
My pregnancy was far from perfect. I had the worst nine months ever, but I was under the watchful eye of an amazing gynaecologist. At 35weeks 6days, we welcomed Hannah Mackenzie Peskin into the world (through an emergency c-section). We named her after Hannah’s prayer. She is our miracle and gift from God.
My journey with infertility has taught me many things about love and loss, happiness and disappointment, faith and hope, Angels and guides and how truly powerful prayer is. I also learned that God will never reveal the entire staircase of our journeys to us. If He did, we would never rely on Him, but our own strength. Instead, He only reveals the first step. And once we take that step, our lives are changed forever as the next step is revealed.
Through healing my body, I developed an amazing love affair with nutritious food, so much so, that I completed a diploma in Nutrition and passed with distinction! This I believe is my calling. God has placed a calling in my heart to share my journey with others facing similar challenges and to help them heal their bodies. God has used my pain to reveal my purpose. If you are reading this post and feel guided to reach out to me, you are welcome to email me.